Dear Barista

Agatha Basildon is in love with the barista at Great Beans Roasters. She, a devotee of tea, and he, a worshipper at the altar of the mighty coffee cherry fruit and one of its finest craftsmen. 

Can romance flourish or is the coffee - tea divide too great? 

Dear Barista,

I write you this letter from the waiting room of my GP. My heart is racing, I'm jittery, I haven't slept properly in three weeks and I have a massive headache. I am also £276 poorer with little to show for it other than the shits and a prescription for selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors. Reading this, do you even know who I am?

Time to Spill the Beans

Monday: Can I get a Triple, Venti, Skim, Sugar-free, Oat milk cappuccino, Wet and Extra Hot, to go.

Tuesday: A triple espresso, please.

Wednesday: A grande decaf caramel iced latte with 2 sweeteners and an extra shot.

Thursday: Filter coffee with milk and two sugars, mate.

Friday: Half hazelnut macchiato, with 2/3 oat milk and extra coconut-milk foam, blended. For here.

This does NOT include the daily afternoon order of a cold brew jazzed up with a dollop of panna. Nor does it include last Thursday night's Dirty Chai (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) ordered after a cheeky shot of Dutch courage in the pub right before the cafe's closing time.

How Much Coffee Does a Girl Need to Buy to Get a Date?

I've got a crush on you - DUH! A big one. A venti someone in your line of work might say. I know we have a connection, I just know it....in my very water gut. To get to notice me I have ordered every caffeinated concoction I know of, a few I found on TikTok and some that I totally made up.

You ask for my name each time I place an order. At first I tried repition. "What's your name?" Agatha "What name do I put?" Agatha, "Name?" Agatha.From day to day not a flicker of recognition. For a reaction, I tried going off-piste. In the last 10 days, I've been Ags, Aggie, Agniezska, Agota, Agathe and even just A. Still nothing. Not a twinkle.

In the last month, I have bought 46 coffees! And for what? The most I can elicit from you is a brisk nod and an obsessive chewing of your dreamily moustachioed upper lip as you set to work brewing each coffee creation.

I'm sacrifcing the sanctity of my central nervous system and a healthy gut biome to declare my love for you. I keep looking for signs from you that you want me too but I'm losing hope. There are no hearts for me in your latte art 😢

Could it be you know my dirty little secret?

You've sussed it out, haven't you? Did you find my untouched coffee's dumped in the trash? That's it, isn't it?! OK I'll admit it. I hate coffee! I find it revolting. Can't stand the stuff. Elixir, my ass! Mud, Joe, Jitter Juice, Rocket Fuel, Dirt are far more apt descriptions in my book. Mind you, not that I know anyone called Joe. Nor would I hold a name against someone if he was a nice guy and all that, but you get my drift.

I am a tea-drinker. #TeamTea There I said it. An aficionado of the delicate leaves of the camellia sinensis tea plant in all its elegant forms and varieties A far superior drink than the nasty slop you worship! Grossed out as I am by your drink of choice I can't deny this crush. Yearning for you as I do, I can sacrifice in the hope that love will bubble up only for so much longer.

So, I'm giving this one last shot. As soon as I get home from the GP, gulp down two Immodiums and empty my bowels - hopefully for the final time today - I will get to work concocting a love potion that I stubmled upon the other day. An elixir blended specially for us. I will put it in a Great Beans Roasters cup with my number written on it and leave it for you on the counter, along with this letter.

There is a drink called Yuenyueng that is a blend of coffee and tea. Mix 3 parts black coffee with 7 parts tea. Sweeten with sugar and condensed milk. Serve hot or cold.

If we can blend our stimulants, then surely we've got a shot at love?!

Call me!

Agatha 💗☕️🫖