Dear Daddy

College-dropout, Octavia Barnes, ekes out a living as a part-time waitress by day and a conceptual, performance artist by night. Try as she might, £8/hour doesn’t stretch to pay the rent and put food on the table. She hates to admit it, but she needs both.

Dear Daddy,

As I sit here, faint with exhaustion, drinking my 4th re-heated long black, that one of my customers left unfinished, I have to wonder at your and Mummy’s beastliness for cutting off my allowance.

Do you feel no remorse, no tinge of pity? Have you any notion of how difficult this is for me? I discovered my calling is to tread the boards. But I am also very hungry. How can I reach my true potential if I starve to death, Daddy? Do you want that? Do you care?!

Iakov says that I have great promise. He calls me a genuine talent. He says I will enrapture viewers with my immersive pantomime. Iakov wants to set it to a baroque medley, played by a dozen oboists, suspended in mid-air and floating through the audience. I wasn't convinced until he told me that he saw in a dream that we got outstanding reviews in The Guardian.

Stop Being Cross

I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. I was rubbish at Uni. The only reason I went is because Razzie, Lulu and Jem went; you and Mummy also said I had no other choice. I know you wanted me to follow in your footsteps and be a chartered accountant, Daddy, but honestly even you cannot be that deluded to think I’d be any good at it. Actually, it’s really, really unfair. I’m the baby and the others got to do what they wanted because you were too busy with work to notice.

Now you’re retired you’re paying attention to me. Not fair, Daddy. Why can’t you garden or fix up classic cars, like everyone else?

I Pawned Granny's Pearls

You and Mummy left me no choice. Granny always said a girl’s pearls could be relied on to get her out of a sticky spot… and she was quite right. I covered rent for 3 months and took Iakov and the gang out for a knees-up at The Ivy to celebrate Previews Week. What a night!

Look Daddy, I have to get back to work. Will you stop this nonsense and re-instate my allowance? You want me to be happy, don’t you? Performing makes me happy. Iakov makes me happy. Being part of the Barbed Wings makes me supremely happy.

I’m really no good at being hungry all the time. Please, Daddy.

Tavi xoxo

P.S. Here’s the ticket for Granny’s pearls. The pawnbroker is in Farringdon. Lovely chap called Trev, very friendly. I’m sure he’ll give you a bargain to buy them back.