Dear Guapo

Don "Puffy" Adams has been double-conned. His wife lured him out for a gentle stroll that turned into an intense hike led by the sycophantic physio team from the community rec centre. "It's good for your health, darling" she said as she deposited him into their waiting van. Not a fan of group activity or exercise of any kind, Puffy managed to give them the slip a few miles in and went his own way. Now utterly lost but blissfully removed from prying eyes, he stretches out on a flat rock, overlooks the canyon and lovingly withdraws a cigar he has hidden in his joggers. He lights it and takes a puff when.....

Dear Guapo,

As I sit here, spent after a rigorous 7-mile hike, luxuriating in nature, drinking in the bucolic view, I have only one thought on my mind - a juicy, thick cigar. But no, I have dragged my out-of-shape carcass up this ludicrously steep and bramble-strewn incline only to reward myself with the low-grade shit you’ve been peddling for luxury Cohibas!

Did you think I wouldn’t notice? A pro like me? Did you think a little early-stage oesophageal cancer would weaken my palette and deter my tastebuds from picking out the nuances between a Montecristo, a La Gloria Cubana, and this horse manure? #nofakesallowed

Let's ponder the wise words of that icon of refined taste and masculine charm, Mr. Don Johnson.

"Life's too short to drink bad wine or smoke poor cigars."

Could not have said it better myself and that, my friend,is where you made your blunder! Do you know how many stogies I’ve had in my mouth? How many happy hours I’ve wiled away drawing on the finest of these delectable beauties? From just one puff I can tell you exactly which leaves are in the blend, in what month they were wrapped, and if the person rolling them was a virgin, so stop trying to make a mug out of me!

If I ever get down from this god-forsaken mountain I will personally come and ram these impostors up your a**.

You’ve spoiled Cubans for me. Every time I put one in my mouth I’ll think of you and that thought is even more unbearable to me than all the sweat welling up in my ass crack from this stupid hike.

You’ve lost one of your best customers, amigo. I hope it was worth it. #Not

Puffy

P.S. Did my wife put you up to this? She’s been trying to get me to quit for years.