Dear Mrs H

Mrs Hypatia Argyridis, was the city's most sought-after matchmaker. Comfortably into her eighth decade and standing at just five foot two inches tall, she cast a striking impression in her floor-length black mink coat and a cloud of hair that afforded her an extra three to six inches in height, depending on the meteorological conditions of any given day.

Possessing a wicked wit and a resolute belief that almost every jar had a lid, Mrs H could be relied upon to broker unions that would ensure her client's entree into the most elite circles of polite society. Well-heeled maidens both young and old, ardent yet peniless suitors, aging bachelors and the occassional desperate damesl eventually wound their way to her door for it was widely acknowledge that if Mrs H couldn't get you betrothed then you might as well resign yourself to life in a nunnery, spinsterhood or a career in the military.

It was this reputation that led Epaminondas Michalakopoulos to request an audience.

Dear Mrs H,

When I recently engaged your services in search of a bride, I had just three criteria which you reassured me would be meticulously fulfilled.

She must be beautiful.

She must have a generous dowry of at least 250 golden sovereigns.

She must be pure, a maiden straight from her mother's embrace.

After an interminably long wait, my patience and good will went unrewarded. I had an unfortunate encounter with the young lady you put forward only to discover that she met not a single one of my criteria. Furthermore she abandoned the rendez-vous with great haste and declined a second meeting!

I demand a full refund.

Yours respectfully,

Epaminondas Michalakopoulos

Dear Mr Epaminondas,

Your recent missive sorely lacked the civility and decorum one expects from a gentleman. Nevertheless, as a consummate professional I have decided to reply.

You say the lady was not beautiful. To this I ask, have you looked in a mirror recently, sir?

You say she didn't have the required dowry. Well I must admit, I did not count her gold sovereigns one-by-one.

Finally, you complain that the young lady was not quite as pure as the virginal maiden you were expecting. To that I resolutely reply, do you honestly think any woman would save herself for you?

Marriage is a delicate business, Mr Epaminondas. It takes compromise, humor and the ability to dilute one's wine with a little water every now and then. Rigidity is welcome in only one aspect of matrimony and with this rather salty display of yours, you have only served to expose yourself as woefully ignorant in such matters.

No refunds! That is my policy but I will offer you this piece of advice gratis. The feedback I received from the lady in question was such that I suspect any future efforts to secure a spouse will be in vain. Therefore, in lieu of a wife perhaps you may wish to seek out a valet for your domestic requirements and a cat for companionship.

Sincerely yours,

Mrs H